As promised, I’ve got a more personal look at 2014 for you here. It’s grown somewhat large, so I apologize in advance. I promise it’s an interesting look at my year of 2014 and my general set of mind.

2014 was a year of change for me. Of important change. Changes I should have sought earlier. In hindsight, that’s easy to say, but going to look for these changes couldn’t be called easy. While the changes were minor, they were a step in the right direction. Especially the knowledge that my family and my close friends know much more about the real me now is reassuring.

Still, my life is and probably stays everything but perfect, so while change has come to my life, it’s not the mayor sweep, but rather a soft breeze.

If I don’t count the understanding and support of my family and friends, the most important change for me in 2014 might be something you’d find strange. At least if you haven’t suffered from something similar.

I can finally sleep.

To understand why this is such a deal, you’d first have to understand that since I was very young, I was unable to fall asleep quickly. Now, quickly is a nice word. Quickly can mean about anything. For me, falling asleep quickly meant I’d only lie awake for an hour until I finally drifted into sleep. Not to mention that I’d frequently wake up for a few minutes either deep at night or very early.

I’d already gotten used to that, so imagine my surprise when I learned that when you’re unable to fall asleep for 20 minutes a few times a week, you should consult your doctor. As I needed on average 90 minutes to fall asleep, that number seems incredible low. I don’t like to go to the doctor for anything (because it’s often a waste of time and I’ve had some bad experiences), so I developed my own strategies to deal with my insomnia. That worked somewhat, but the more stress I had, the harder sleeping became for me.

The reason my inability to fall asleep quickly haunted me so much can not only be attributed to the general lack of sleep it led to. Of course it’s not ideal to be exhausted throughout the whole day, but you learn to live with that.

Much worse are the nights. When everything is dark and silent, you lie awake and count the minutes. Nothing to distract yourself, you’re left with only your own thoughts, and oh can those be dark. Crushing even. Throughout the day I do my best to not think too much, so I’d dread the night, when I would go to bed and then there was nothing else but me with myself. For an hour, or two, or even more. No escape.

At least until now. I get some medication that nudges sleep and the average time I need to fall asleep has gone down to about 30 minutes. That’s apparently still much longer than what other people need, but it has been a weight off my mind. Getting more sleep has helped me greatly, as I’m not as exhausted as before. It has also given me more energy to deal with everything in the day.

My sleep has again deteriorated in the last two months, mainly because of the stress from failing university. Completing my bachelors has been my goal and I’m close, have been trying to finish it for the last two years. In 2014 the bachelor thesis and some other papers were my main concern. University has gotten harder over the course of my study, not in terms of difficulty, but rather for me personally. Some things are just retarded and have no practical use…but I digress. That’s not what I want to talk about here.

Important is that I’ve failed all of these tasks. Writing them wasn’t easy and took a lot out of me. And it isn’t that they were bad. It’s hurtful irony that my professor told me I’d have gotten a very good grade, if only this little detail had been different. It’s disheartening to fail repeatedly, especially when the failing was only scraping by a great grade or at other times rather incomprehensible. It’s especially disheartening when there’s a distinct lack of success in your whole life.

Still, I’m not here to rant on some sort of injustice. While I do not always agree with how university works in Germany, in the end it was my personal failing that led to this lack of success I’ve had over the last years. That acceptance doesn’t make it easier and I’m still unsure whether or not I’ll ever be able to finish my bachelors.

The failings have made my last months rather unpleasant. That was coupled with the general lack of energy I often feel in the winter months. It’s one of the main reasons why I didn’t really manage to do much for my blog in the last months. Neither did I manage to do much of anything, but that’s a story for another day.

While my blog is getting bigger and I’ve managed to do more and attract more visitors than in 2013, it’s still somewhat stagnant all said and done. I like writing for my blog, but some sort of discussion between me and my (rather few) readers would be nice. As such, the few times I’ve had such conversations have always been very important to me. Silvia Feder, my first and at the moment only Facebook friend, has brightened my day with our discussions and I’m very thankful for her encouragement. It’s an incredible feeling to know someone enjoys what I’m doing and that gives me a reason to keep going.

Other changes were in regard to my appearance. That’s important for me for different reasons.

I’ve now got glasses and a beard (still growing, my face is a slow-grower and I can’t get it to go faster…). The glasses are needed. Not overly so, but it’s much easier to make out small details and read writing that’s farther away than my own nose. Growing a beard had been a thought I’d entertained for some time now, but was always scared of the process and how I’d look. This summer I thought to myself “Fuck it, I’m doing it” and now I’ve got my very own beard.

One of the reasons for growing it has been that I look young. I’m 25, but had still been asked for my ID just a year ago. That becomes old really fast, I tell you. So I grew a beard in the hopes it might make me look older. Seems to work. I’ve gotten some compliments, so it was a good choice growing one, even though I’m still trying out how to shape it and such. It’s a growing experience (haha!).

Another reason why I looked forward to both my beard and my glasses was that both would do their part to hide my face. Because while I don’t consider myself horrendous I don’t really like to look at myself in the mirror either. I do small things to try to mitigate my looks, with the glasses and the beard doing their part now.

Another part of that change was that I’ve grown out of my T-Shirts and have now opted to wear shirts instead (I hope these are the right words in English, these two types of upper body wear are easier differentiated in German). I generally go for convenience and comfort over anything (one reason why I like my hair short), but have no adopted the button shirts for myself. Another attempt to look more “grown up”. It’s working, as I’ve gotten some compliments on how mature I looked. They were from people I hadn’t seen in many years, so not sure how much the compliments were credit to recent changes or in regard to the small steps I’ve managed to take forward over the course of the last few years.

I’m sorry this became such a long and possibly boring post about myself. I thought it might be time to give this blog a more personal note. I’m still debating whether or not to share more about myself, as there’s a lot I’m not saying (as you might have guessed from reading this). I hope you enjoy what I’m doing here and I’ll do whatever I can to become more active again. I’ve plans, but often lack the energy to do all the things I’d like to do.

If you found something interesting on my blog, please feel free to tell me about it. That ensures that I know I’m not just screaming into empty space, but what I’m doing has real value not only for me, but for other people around the world too.